A New Me

Well after months of being uncomfortable, trying to win back my parent's trust, and trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my life, I finally gave birth to a baby boy.

And here he is, little Ryder Ray. I named him Ryder because it means knight and with this crazy life I've condemned him to, he's going to need to be a tough little guy. He looks so much like Tyson........I don't know how much I like that fact.....but he has my hair.....and he's just beautiful.

Mom and dad decided that he should stay in my room so that when he cries I can get to him quicker......I think that they did it as a punishment because he cries at all times of the night and I have to get up to get him.......but I guess that's a part of being a mom, right? They even took away my desk and computer to make way for his crib and changing table!

I've been working very hard on my painting. My parents have decided to keep Ryder for me while I attend school under three conditions: I have to attend Sim State University because it's close enough that I can come home every weekend to take care of Ryder. I have to get at least 3 scholarships before I leave for school. And I have to keep my GPA at school up at least to a 3.0 or they're pulling me out and I will have to take Ryder and get a job. The conditions are tough, but at least they are giving me a chance. I thought they would never get over this whole thing.....that they hated me.........

But Ryder has weaved some magic over them and they can't put him down......especially my dad.....I think he secretly always wanted more kids but they couldn't afford to have anymore because we would have had to move. They're happy about Ryder even if they aren't happy about being grandparents.....

He's really not as much trouble as I feared he would be.....he's such a sweet baby....he's going to be so spoiled by the time he's a toddler.....but I'm not upset about that......everyone could hate him and hate me for having him.......Maybe there's a bigger picture to all of this.....who knows.....or maybe I'm just a really stupid teenager!

The only thing that bugs me about Ryder is that he has no sense of time! It's 3 o'clock in the morning and he's up crying about something.....I have to go to school AND work today......Oh, for crying out loud! Ugh, I see what he's going on about......he stinks!

I decided it was time for a change so I lopped off all of my hair........it's a new day and a new me with new responsibilities.......I think it looks pretty boss, but my mom is probably going to freak.....although at this point I don't think there is much more that I can do that would surprise them anymore......

Oh yes, I love my little Ryder.......I hate that I won't be around as much when I go off to school......But I will be home every chance I get so that he doesn't forget who his mom is......maybe I should just take him with me.....they have parent housing on campus.....it would be hard, but I could do it.....

Tyson still comes snooping around the house......NOW he's saying he wants to see the baby to see if it's his......didn't he say that he was positive it wasn't his child? My dad is going to end up whooping his tail again......he's even been kicking over our trashcan!

School is tougher now because I'm usually tired from being up half the night with Ryder......work isn't much better.....I'm trying very hard right now to get my last promotion at work because that would look very good on my scholarship applications......3 scholarships.......this is going to take alot of work......

I come home to this! My mom decided that my dark colored room wasn't good for Ryder......they completely changed my whole room! Baby blue? Yuck! She pointed out that when I went to school it wouldn't be my room anymore, it would be Ryder's.....but I still have to live in in right now!!

She told me to just be quiet, at least I got to keep my bed......yep, Ryder is going to be super spoiled! I don't know......Everything is happening so fast......should I take Ryder with me? Is that fair to him when he could have a much better life here? It's only four years and I could see him every week but I would miss all his big accomplishments......and what if he forgets about me because I'm not around? What if he grows to think my mom is his mom? Ugh, I don't know what to do.....

But I guess I should stop worrying and just enjoy my time with him while I have it. Being a mom is tough, I guess........makes me feel bad about how I treated MY mom.....I hope Ryder doesn't grow up to hate me.....even after I graduate, it's going to be a really tough road ahead......I'll be a single parent trying to raise him.......

But you know what? I think he and I can do it......I kind of got myself into this situation.....I still can't believe how wrong I was about Ty........I won't be dating for a very, VERY long time......I have too much on my plate right now to also worry about some stupid guy......nope, from now on it's just me and Ryder.

I've been working very hard practicing on my drums......if I get good enough, I may be able to get a music scholarship. I love music but I don't know what I want to major in yet.......I need to do something that will make enough money to support me and Ryder......

Even my dorky little brother likes having Ryder around.....although I think he would feel differently if he was the one getting up with him in the middle of the night when he needs changing or feeding.....My parents never help with the late night feedings.....but I guess they will do it enough once I leave.....if I don't take him with me that is.......

If I do decide to leave him, you can bet that this picture will hang in my dorm room so that I can see my little man's face each and every day.........I just don't know what to do......